Nature selection can be a great lesson in our lives. Being selective with who you care for and keep around you is essential to survival. Reciprocal altruism raises an explanation to why one helps someone else without immediate benefit. It depends on the long game. “You scratched someone else’s back, so I’ll scratch yours.” is what my textbook says. I find myself over-extending the gesture toward those who cut their nails with the active thought of preventing the potential occurrence of a “friend” needing a hand. Maybe I am following in the footsteps of my ancestors, taking on the generational curse of caregiving. What happened to evolution? This isn’t favorable to my survival, but yet my family's unconditional caring has not been selected out. Let’s look at group selection for some reasons. Altruistic groups thrive better than less cooperative ones, is what my textbook says. Those I keep around and their cooperation, physically and mentally, affect my survival. My fitness. Here’s the caveat. Group selection is only favorable if individuals within the group who are uncooperative are punished or expelled. What would my life look like if I did? Who would I stop granting tolerance to? Why do I always go the extra mile for them in particular and do I hold others to another standard? One thing is for sure. The people I care for and allow in my environment matter.

Within the dining halls of my institution, I engage in a conversation with my Asian Jewish American friend named Nick. Nick is what I would call a skeptic, you know, a devil's advocate type for the sake of argument. Previously, we have exchanged many insights on race, gender, and mental health, but this time Nick was preparing a project on socioeconomic issues. Given that it's my field of study, I naturally had to ask about his dream economic structure and supplemental policies. Common conversational banter, am I right? Well, Nick boldly took it upon himself to say, “Capitalism is quite a functional system. I think we’d be better off without socialist ideals.” Now, for more context, his opinion is informed by some readings assigned by our professor and he offered a very nuanced analysis of different economic systems. Yet, this guy felt compelled to advocate for this particular economic outcome: the free market. I asked why? He said because it will eventually even out the playing field. This is how we achieve true equality. I asked, how long will that take? He admitted he could not estimate a sufficient duration but he would be happy to comply with five to ten years. What a sentence, I thought. Next, I asked, so for those who have less, are you okay knowing that the privileged, including yourself, will progress greatly while the lower end of the American economic scale will, you know, probably suffer? He said the cost outweighs the benefit. Just to offer a final nail in the coffin, which would soon descend down the hole he dug, I asked what I truly wanted to know, “even if the lowest percentile was made up mainly of minorities, you wouldn’t care?” He paused and a look of confusion came across his face. I thought maybe he felt I insulted him as I dared to ask such a question. He says, “What do you mean, race doesn’t matter. Especially nowadays.

My girlfriend accused our friend group of being racist. She said it loud and proud directly to their faces. That night we each devolved our inner thoughts, discrepancies, and cherished moments. The intimacy was instantly shattered. Her words were unexpected but fueled by very present emotions of disgust. We had all been friends for a while and never did this word come up outside of humorous banter. But to her, there was nothing funny about race. The room dropped to a dim silence and all eyes were on her, myself, and the other black person in the room. Unintentionally, we all had sat beside each other in the room. What are the odds? I felt two things. Empathetic and offended. How long has she felt this way and why is she just now in that exact moment bringing it up? I would never laugh, joke, or share meals with people I fully believed were plotting against me because of my race. Yet, this is what appeared to be unfolding before me. Then she looks at me as if I have taken too long to take in silence. I didn’t know if I was supposed to say something or what I was supposed to say. We made jokes about white culture with no hatred in our hearts but deep down I knew it was not the same. Truthfully I loved my friends and did not identify with her claim but what kind of best friend invalidates a racial experience? Eventually, we moved on and I thought I had gotten away from the tension. I felt no guilt, but maybe a few remainences of the awareness. I wonder how we go from here.

There was no denying it anymore. I knew he wanted me. He would look at me with an entranced-like focus, not seeing what was actually there. That night, away from our prestigious bubble, he looked at me in that same way, but this time he acted on his thoughts. The dream became a quick reality, and I felt like I had defied all odds against me. I got the white guy, fully understanding Kaliii’s declaration. Despite him having very known preferences, he had decided to go the other way with his life course. So I thought. The moment we entered back into society, he didn’t look my way anymore. And when he did, he saw it. He saw the labels, the titles, the social value, and the different categories we fell into. What he did not see was the amazing, incomparable, caring individual who was very much bound for greatness standing right in front of him. But behind closed doors, he allowed himself to get a glimpse, and every now and then his thoughts escaped into undeniable facial expressions and short-lived words. It's almost funny how much race socializes the individual, how much is missed due to ignorance and past-down biases. In no way do I feel rejected or even bad for him and his dumb decision to choose insincerity. I only feel a better understanding of the depths of racial reality.